What does it take to forgive?

What does it take to receive forgiveness?

In Matthew 18:22 Peter asks Jesus how many times we should forgive those who have sinned against us. Maybe seven times?  No, answers Jesus, more like seventy times seven.

Jesus calls on us not only to love others but also to forgive those who have hurt us. I understand that it’s possible for love to cover minor grievances, (I’ve been married for 21 years – a lot of love and forgiveness has been done) but what about a serious offense?  What if it is something that drives a wedge between two people, causing the relationship to break apart, trust to be destroyed?  Will forgiveness resolve the situation or heal the injury?  What if the offender does not want to admit his/her guilt?  What if the offender doesn’t think he/she has done anything wrong?  Sometimes people just feel bad for having been caught or only feel sorry when they are confronted with the hurt they have caused.  Tears can be misleading – feeling sorry for what we did is not in itself a sign of real repentance.  And it doesn’t help much to restore trust or mend a broken relationship.

There are times in life when something more is needed than just simply saying, “I’m sorry,” and the injured person saying, “I forgive you.” Truth be told, it takes hard work to regain trust and restore a broken relationship – it takes the hard work of the process called reconciliation. And reconciliation calls for genuine repentance and restitution.

It’s just not enough to say: “If I have done something to offend you…” or “If you want me to say I’m sorry, well then I’m sorry.” Genuine repentance happens when the offender accepts full responsibility for his/her actions: No defensiveness, no excuses, no trivializing, no indignation, no shallow confession, and no continuation of the offense. It asks for a change of heart and behavior.  It asks for a humbled heart, a burning desire to do what is right, to correct a wrong, and a deep longing for the broken relationship to be restored.

It’s also not good enough to say: “I’ll forgive you, so all is over and forgotten now.” Forgiveness is not about forgetting. Some painful memories you will always carry with you. But forgiveness does set you free; you will no longer be held captive by bitterness and anger.  Forgiveness is not supposed to excuse or make excuses for another’s behavior. True forgiveness allows the offender the opportunity to make amends for their actions; to make restitution for the injury caused.  Restitution is not about punishment or revenge – it’s an opportunity for the offender to show by their action that his/her repentance is genuine, their regret sincere. Forgiveness is not about tolerating someone offenses, it’s not about letting someone “get away with it.” To forgive doesn’t mean someone is not held accountable for their actions.

There are no short cuts in the process of reconciliation, no easy way to restore a broken relationship. No “I’m sorry because I got caught,” or “Please overlook my mistake because you’re so nice,” or “Let’s just pretend or act like it never happened.” Not only will this not restore a broken relationship in the long run, but the offense will be repeated again and again and you will be hurt again.

And that is what we discover when we read the verses that precede verse 22. In verses 15-21 Jesus makes it clear that repentance and reconciliation is part of the bigger picture of forgiveness:

If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell them—work it out between the two of you. If he or she listens, you’ve made a friend. If they won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he or she still won’t listen, tell the church. If they won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront them with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love.

Sunday, we will explore what this looks like in real life.

Blessings till then,

Kobie

This Sunday’s Scripture

Matthew 18: 15-22

(Jesus’ teaching on forgiveness, repentance, and reconciliation)

“If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell them—work it out between the two of you. If he or she listens, you’ve made a friend. If they won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he or she still won’t listen, tell the church. If they won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront them with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love.

“Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this. When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Abba God in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I’ll be there.”

At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, “Rabbi, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?”

Jesus replied, “Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven.”

(Translation from The Message)

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